Better to be the giver?

Boy, am I not sure I'm getting the right gifts for people this year.

I've had such success in past years, giving people things that I've gleaned they would like.  But this year, I'm giving things that I want to give them; not even things I want them to have; things I want to give them; things I want to be giving them.

She wants to act; I want to be giving her books of monologues; I know she can do something with them; even if they're silly, she can mine them for whatever depths they have, give them depths they don't.

I want her to be artistic; I want to be giving her something inspirational, to encourage her. I want to have enough energy (before the deadline for mailing the gift) to create a little piece of art to go with the book, to start a conversation. I want us to have a conversation over the years.

Do I imagine them looking back, years in the future, to the christmas they got that book, remembering their auntie who saw the artist in them?

Yup.

Do I know that indulging in that kind of thinking is an excellent way to disappoint myself, and put undo pressure on the gifts?

Yeah, I really do.

I'm so on the fence.

I want to be true to myself, though, and I'm the one who wants to give these gifts.  And really, from the recipient's perspective, isn't the worst thing that could happen is that they don't really like the gift?  And, who cares, it's not like it's a sweater I'm expecting them to wear. They're just books. They can be set aside; and I will still have fulfilled my own desire to have given them.

And the one to whom I want to give the "get to know yourself better" how-to-journal book....isn't she so un-knowing of herself that she is highly unlikely to be offended by being given such a book? She'd have to really take the book's exercises to heart, and learn from them, in order to get to a perspective from which she could perceive that I was telling her to Grow Up by giving her the book....by which point, she'll have grown up a little, and possibly even agree with me.

Am I trying to be a hero?

I know I'm trying to reach backwards in time to deeply remembered iterations of myself, who wanted someone to see the depths in me; that's why I want to give these gifts, because I do see those depths in them. I do want to encourage them to look deeper within themselves. (Because I'm the kind of person who's never been able to stop falling into myself, and I want more people to talk to.)

And I want to be the kind of person who is known for seeing the depths in other people.  I do want them to remember me that way. I am trying to build my own legacy of memory in other people's minds. I am trying to be heroic. The heroic artist auntie, who gave amazing books at christmas, even if it took you a while to figure out what on earth she'd given you.

and why.