Better to be the giver?

Boy, am I not sure I'm getting the right gifts for people this year.

I've had such success in past years, giving people things that I've gleaned they would like.  But this year, I'm giving things that I want to give them; not even things I want them to have; things I want to give them; things I want to be giving them.

She wants to act; I want to be giving her books of monologues; I know she can do something with them; even if they're silly, she can mine them for whatever depths they have, give them depths they don't.

I want her to be artistic; I want to be giving her something inspirational, to encourage her. I want to have enough energy (before the deadline for mailing the gift) to create a little piece of art to go with the book, to start a conversation. I want us to have a conversation over the years.

Do I imagine them looking back, years in the future, to the christmas they got that book, remembering their auntie who saw the artist in them?

Yup.

Do I know that indulging in that kind of thinking is an excellent way to disappoint myself, and put undo pressure on the gifts?

Yeah, I really do.

I'm so on the fence.

I want to be true to myself, though, and I'm the one who wants to give these gifts.  And really, from the recipient's perspective, isn't the worst thing that could happen is that they don't really like the gift?  And, who cares, it's not like it's a sweater I'm expecting them to wear. They're just books. They can be set aside; and I will still have fulfilled my own desire to have given them.

And the one to whom I want to give the "get to know yourself better" how-to-journal book....isn't she so un-knowing of herself that she is highly unlikely to be offended by being given such a book? She'd have to really take the book's exercises to heart, and learn from them, in order to get to a perspective from which she could perceive that I was telling her to Grow Up by giving her the book....by which point, she'll have grown up a little, and possibly even agree with me.

Am I trying to be a hero?

I know I'm trying to reach backwards in time to deeply remembered iterations of myself, who wanted someone to see the depths in me; that's why I want to give these gifts, because I do see those depths in them. I do want to encourage them to look deeper within themselves. (Because I'm the kind of person who's never been able to stop falling into myself, and I want more people to talk to.)

And I want to be the kind of person who is known for seeing the depths in other people.  I do want them to remember me that way. I am trying to build my own legacy of memory in other people's minds. I am trying to be heroic. The heroic artist auntie, who gave amazing books at christmas, even if it took you a while to figure out what on earth she'd given you.

and why.

Political Parties Are Like Sports Franchises

For your consideration: there is a level on which people relate to political parties like sports fans -- you're very loyal to your favorite team; you make excuses for their quarterback; you point to bogus calls by the refs; you despise all fans of your team's big rival Instantly and with Excessive Derision -- only assholes are X fans; X fans are all idiots, just like their team.

And, undecided voters? They are...non sports fans, pressured by their friends to Common You Gotta Pick a Team; the fair weather fans, only interested in the competition when it gets to the playoffs; the latecomers whose only goal is to have the right flag on their car when that team wins.

Framing it this way explains why, although political justifications are presented in the Form of a Rational Argument, they are obviously -- to someone who disagrees -- insanely biased, non-rational arguments!

Afterall, we aren't surprised, are we, when a known Huge Fan makes ridiculous arguments on behalf of his team: I mean, the guy is a Fan, what's he supposed to do? He's supposed to defend his team against all enemies, even when they So Obviously Suck. He's just unlucky enough to be a fan of a shitty team; over here, we're fans of an Excellent Team who just happens to be going through some reorganization and growth this year...

We may *act* as if policy discussions are taking place on the Rational Plain, and sometimes they are. 

But the foundation of political opinions isn't built from some kind of menu -- pick from this list of policy positions, and determine your political team; statistically nobody actually becomes a partisan that way, just like nobody picks a sports team based solely on stats.  Party affiliation is much more like supporting a team because you grew up with them, or you never had a team so you adopt the team of your friends.

When we argue about policies, too often we are *really* arguing simply Against your team or For my team, and coming up with rationalizations as needed to support the position our team has already taken -- if my team insists on running zone coverage, I'm going to defend their use of zone coverage to my dying day.

We only confuse ourselves when we think we're arguing on a rational level, when we're really arguing on a Tailgating level.

(Massive indebtedness to Jonathan Haidt for his book "The Righteous Mind: Why Good People are Divided by Politics and Religion" for the underlying concepts absorbed and regurgitated in this post.)

Out of the blue, it seems, comes an insight...and a blog post.

My idea is this: the next time YOU express something which strikes me as ignorant, or bigoted, I'm going to try asking,

Why do you want that to be true?"

[I wonder if I can create a conversation tree, the way I sense the possible conversations in my imagination, branching out from my question:]

(a)
YOU: Why would you ask *that*?
ME: Oh, it's just that it's so easy to google that and find out it's crap, I figured you must *want* it to be true.

(b)
YOU: I don't want it to be true!
ME: Oh, great, well, I've got good news for you -- it's really easy to google that and find out it's crap.

(c)
YOU: (Actually take the time to tell me about your philosophy or life experience)
ME: (Listening, and learning about your philosophy)

Now I've just got to try it and report back.

Natural extroverts

Came to a realization yesterday, about extroverts (you know, the normal people, as any fellow introvert can tell you).

Her Girliness has been speaking less and less to me lately -- in fact, yesterday, I noticed that I couldn't remember the last time she talked to me. Huh.

I wonder what she thinks I did to her; since, by her behavior towards me, she must think I did something. I feel a weird floaty sensation when I think about not knowing why -- my emotional radar is very sensitive, but I can't imagine (yet) what her motivation is for giving me the silent treatment.

Oh, well, mysteries give some spice to the office work-day, right?

So yesterday afternoon, I'm walking down the long hall to the restroom, look up, and see that she's just come around the corner at the opposite end! D'oh -- I flash to a Dilbert cartoon where the guy is trying to time his smile right, as he passes a coworker in a long hallway.

We close half the distance, and I go to say hello, and it comes out in a friendly sing-song "Hello there!"

She doesn't react at all.

We close the remaining distance, as a chill of received-rudeness washes over me, and I look down at the linoleum tile instead of at her; still smiling, though.

I listen to her strappy-sandaled footsteps continuing down the hallway, until I round the corner.

Damn, I realize, I totally should have looked her in the face as we passed! That would have been awesome!

Missed my opportunity to deflect the rudeness by smiling it right back at her, there.

-----

An hour later, I was mulling over the scene, and thinking about how it puzzled me, because Her Girliness is an extrovert -- she's naturally outgoing, so it should be easy for her to be nice to me even if she doesn't like me (for whatever un-communicated reason), right? She ought to be able to be sunny even if she's not feeling it. It should be effortless for her, shouldn't it? And yet, she seems unable to conceal the fact that she's really uncomfortable around me, and doesn't want to talk to me or make eye contact with me.

It should be effortless.

Hmmm. Effortless because it's easy; because it's always been easy for her, since it's natural... second-nature... she doesn't have to put in the effort I do.... it's a learned skill for me, fer crissakes!...

Ooooh. Hang on a sec. It's natural for her, but it's a skill for me. She coasts along on natural talent; I've worked like hell on my social skills.

I have the social skills. I have them.....she doesn't!

She has. no. actual. social. skills.

Crap! When she's really uncomfortable, she can't hide it!

And here I've just known my whole life that naturally extroverted people had it so easy, and us introverts were doing all the work to fit in... and here's a situation where the extrovert doesn't have the skills to navigate, because she's just been getting by on innate talent, not building skills!

I have what skills there are.

I am going to win this one.

Color me shocked.

Patterns and Motives

I just realized it yesterday, walking out to the car: she can smell the divorce on him.

It explains why she's been chatting him up in recent weeks, to my irritation (the less she works, the less tolerance I have for her Betty Boop sing-songing).

My college roommate could do this, too -- I was aware of the dynamic, but never managed to put a name to it. The guys she was interested in had something in common, but I couldn't put my finger on it, and the only time our interests overlapped, I beat her out (yeay for me). Her first all-in relationship was with a guy who was engaged, but she was right: he was perfectly willing to destroy that engagement by cozying up to her. I figured it was all due to broken-family dynamics at the time, and it probably is.

Once the "smell the divorce" idea popped into my head, it rippled out over my mental picture of the office, and I saw its framework clicking into place over patterns I'd been noticing -- who she approaches, whom she does not; who she chats up, flirting, and whom she only talks business with.

This is a strange new way to evaluate the strength of others' romantic partnerships -- by whether Her Girliness seems to think she has a shot at them or not.

I bet she has no conscious idea she's following this pattern, and no malicious intent. My roommate didn't seem to be able to help it, either.