Confession

As a natural introvert, I've spent my years gradually picking up the skills to blend better into the world of extroverts. I've found that I can fake it pretty well by now -- if I'm not sure what to say at a given moment, I'll ask myself what would a normal person say? and try that. It works wonderfully, I must say.

What I'm saying is that I've learned to pass decently, that's all. Living in the world as the world is, and all that.

So here's where that's gotten me, as of this morning: I have just become a back-biting weasel.

Heh! Okay, it's not quite that bad. I didn't back-bite anyone, as much as I beat someone to the punch, to make myself look good. To make myself look better than someone else.

I've observed that it's the kind of thing normal people do all the time.

So, here's the set-up. Her Girliness hasn't been talking to me for weeks, now. It's gotten to the point where she actually won't return my "good morning," which I'm pretty darn sure is universally considered to be Rude Behavior.

Anyway, this morning I purposefully said good morning to her in front of some other coworkers, and I didn't hear a response...unfortunately for my greater enjoyment, I don't think the others noticed, which was what I was hoping for.

A few minutes later, I'm filling my water bottle at the office sink, and she's there getting a bagel, and other people are standing around eating bagels, and she actually starts a conversation with me -- not that she ever made eye contact, mind you.

She asks about a new little glitch in the database that's been noted recently, but since we have Supremely Disengaged Management, nobody has given any instructions as to what to do about it. So we're all just ignoring it for now. But for whatever reason, she's decided (three weeks after the advent of the glitch) to bring it up to me. I said amiably that nobody had said anything about it, so I wasn't doing anything about it. "Higher than my pay grade," I actually said. (Please note: I give myself extra points for working literal cliches into conversations.)

She says M (in another department) told her he'd gotten an email, so maybe she'd ask him about it. I said, Nah, if they tell us to do something, I'm all over it -- but if they don't care about it, why should we?

"Oh, well, maybe I'll just ask about it," she says.

Suit yourself, I think, walking back to my desk.

Then I sit down here and think it through a little further -- wait a sec, if she's the one who asks about this glitch, she might make herself look good to the Supremely Disengaged Management. They'll get her phone call or email or whatever, and think, Hey, there's an employee who's going beyond the call -- nevermind the fact that currently, we are all being encouraged in the strongest possible (while totally un-spoken) terms to do as little as possible. She would probably be lucky enough to get credit for speaking up on this.

Rats. I don't want to lose a round, here. If anyone gets credit, I want it. I knew about this glitch from the beginning, so I don't want Her Girliness getting any kudos.

So, I thought to myself, What would a normal person do?

[Sound of gears spinning.]

Ah, of course. A normal person would beat her to it. Now that she's mentioned doing something, and I've counseled her against it, there's no reason I couldn't get to the bosses before she does.

So I fired off a quick little email to a couple of Managers, officially letting them know about the glitch, and asking for direction.

Oh, I am evil.

Or just normal?

Ah, well.